The past year of my life has been an adventure - a crazy, exciting, wild, emotional, stressful, restless, FULL THROTLE adventure. And a chapter of my life I'll look back on with lots of stories and laughter. I want to preface with this: it's been a hard year, but I don't say any of this to throw a pity party for myself or ask for sympathy...simply to explain my absence from blogging/posting about Team Tillman. Surviving. That's what I've often felt like we've done in 2018.
I have a friend named Liz Simmons. If you know her, you are blessed. Each year about this time of the year, she creates a word for the following year. She looks up it's meaning, breaks the word down, finds scripture to back up it's meaning, and then applies it to her life. And it gives her direction and a building block for that next year to follow. Survive is not one I'd hope to choose for a year of my life. So, for 2019, I choose THRIVE. I want to thrive as a child of God, thrive as a mother of 3 young kids, thrive as a wife of a traveling husband, thrive as an athlete, thrive as the friend you can depend on, thrive as someone who can throw routine and organization to the wind and soak up the adventure...not just pray I survive it. Thank you Liz, for inspiring me to choose a word to help guide me on the quest for true enjoyment of my life.
The truth of the matter is that I've felt so heavily weighted down by this year, I haven't taken time to regularly stop and ask God for help. I've always been one to have daily quiet time, ask God for help and direction, and seek council from other Christian women I trust. But I literally became paralyzed in my walk with the Lord. So, as I enter 2019, I truly pray that I can THRIVE in an area of my life that is the true cornerstone of my existence.
"Remain in me, as I remain in you. Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me." John 15:4.
Life before Rowan was seamless. I had it all figured out - kids routine, my routine, bedtime routine, prepping meals, cleaning schedule, working out, constant fun outings with the kids, creative crafts, socialization with friends, blogging, reading, bible study, keeping up with old friends, exploring new things. My life with Nora and Radford on the daily was very FULL, very organized, and very seamless.
Enter February 4, 2018. Our precious baby Rowan William was born and Team Tillman's world was rocked. I knew the first few months of adjusting to life with 3 kids 4 and under would be crazy, so I gave myself lots of grace in the beginning. Enjoying people bringing you meals, not caring about the house or the laundry, delivery services from any and all companies, etc. But as the newness wore off, I started to sink into our new "normal"...but what I couldn't figure out [and I'm still trying to figure out 10 months later] is what does normal even mean? Not sleeping through the night in a year isn't normal. Running on 5 hours of sleep a day isn't normal. Having your husband travel 80+ nights a year isn't normal. Not having a break from your children for weeks on end isn't normal. City living with all of the above listed points isn't normal. [I'll share my pros and cons list of city living later in this blog.]
We've had some really, really awesome experiences this year. We've enjoyed watching Rowan reach each baby milestone, we've been on fun trips to the beach and to visit my family in Georgia, we've participated in lots of extra curricular activities for the big kids, we've celebrated holidays and birthdays with family, we've had lots of fun play dates, and most importantly (!!) we've loved how complete our family feels with having 3 children. It just hasn't been a seamless adjustment...like my Type A personality would like it to be. I've had to slowly be ok and open to the idea that my life isn't constantly on the go like it was with just Nora and Radford. We spend a LOT of time at home. Just now as I looked through pictures, most of them were from our house. They say: "Home is where the heart is."
I've been physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually tired for a year...so I haven't put the energy into social media, my blog, keeping up with others, and unpacking my mind through journaling like I would have hoped I would.
4 years after moving to a new city, you'd think I would be adjusted by now. I'd say I'm about 90% adjusted. The other 10% because it's hard to let go of life in the south...what I knew for 30 years of my life. No one prepared me for how different city living was going to be. Or how life with kids was going to be. Or how balancing your life, your faith, your kids, your home, your marriage, your finances, your future was going to be. Being a grown up is hard work and this past year, I admittedly, have had multiple instances where I think "I'm not grown up enough to deal with this situation". Does everyone experience that feeling sometimes?
[For those that live in Baltimore, bare with me...as all of this is probably what you would say to describe your current living situation.] Just to paint my non-Balto friends the picture...our house is 2800 sq/ft, spread across 4 levels. Bottom level: playroom, full bathroom, unfinished area that holds Christmas stuff, paint, bikes and my treadmill. Main level: living, dining, kitchen. 2nd level: big kids room, Rowan's room, full bathroom, laundry closet and linen closet. 3rd level: master bedroom, master bath and walk in closet. Street parking, 10x10 back deck. That's it.
We made the list below as we've wrestled with the idea of "what next?" We've done a LOT of life in the 6 years we've been married...multiple state line moves, multiple children, and multiple jobs. But our big kids are getting older, starting school and we truly want to put roots into where we plan to spend the next 10-15 years. Deciding to list our rowhouse hasn't been an easy choice, but we feel it will be the best choice for our family (and my sanity) and will best suit the kids and their future needs.
No, I won't figure out "normal" once we move to the burbs...we will just settle into another "new normal" again...What I pray for mostly, is God's direction. Knowing HE is guiding us on this path to the next place HE would have us brings comfort. Knowing HE will provide a home that fits our needs and HE will bring peace to our life as we continue on this crazy adventure HE's created for us.
Prso of City Living:
1) Convenience: I can walk to: Target, multiple grocery stores, multiple coffee shops, Nora's school, too many parks to count, icecream shop, the Children's museum, the science center, and more than I can count: bars/restaurants.
2) There is always something going on in the park: races, festivals, etc.
3) When the weather is nice you just start walking and you'll fill you day.
4) We can walk to my in-laws house. And my SIL and her kids live 2 miles away.
5) Non chain restaurants. There is SO MUCH good food in the city. Local seafood, unique menus, bar food, ALL kid friendly.
6) Planning impromptu get togethers with friends is so easy because everyone is walking distance.
7) Snow doesn't shut down grocery stores or restaurants.
8) We are only 20 minutes from the airport.
9) My lady doctor, kids doctor, dentist, eye doctor, dry cleaners, alterations, pharmacy and bank are all walking distance...and if I'm running late with the kids [which happens a lot recently] I can be there 10 minutes after I leave my house.
10) Our house is unique and we love that old charm. We never picture ourselves in a cookie cutter neighborhood. We like character and architecture. And you can find all of that in an old rowhome.
Cosn of City Living:
1) Street parking with 3 kids...and groceries...in the rain/snow...having to move your car for street sweeping days...parking on days where there is an event in town and you have to search for 15 minutes for a spot...not wanting to move your car once it gets dark...
2) We have no yard. When Rowan is napping, I have no outside space to take the big kids to play.
3) We've had 5 car break ins and my car (recently) stolen. We've lost thousands of dollars worth of stuff to peaty city crime.
4) Row house living: you walk straight from the front door into your livingroom...no foyer/coat closet/mudroom...so you're constantly trying to decide if your living room is actually more like a garage. No bathroom on the main level: if someone has to pee, it's a family affair because no one wants to be left alone on the level above/below, but no one wants to go alone to the bathroom. Based on my Apple watch, I average about 35-45 flights of stairs a day (not including working out)!!!!
5) My house was built in 1920: every single floor board makes sound walking around...so I cant sneak downstairs for a morning workout without worrying if someone will be joining me. Our house has settled with age...and the back of the house is about 4-5" lower than the front - so everything looks like its slanted.
6) SOOOOOOOO many stairs. If I forget my phone or something important in my room when it's time to leave...I have to decide if 28 winding stairs is worth it. Cleaning with these stairs is a nightmare to lug up and down the vacuum, cleaning supplies, etc.
7) We don't have a laundry room...just a stacked washer/dryer. I do 1-3 loads of laundry a day. I don't always fold or put away laundry every day. Do the math...that means that loads and loads of laundry have to be somewhere in my house. They pile up in bedrooms. Then it overwhelms me as I start the weekly cycle again and I start freaking out about how we own too many clothes.
8) Same goes for toys. Since we don't have a garage, ALL the toys are in the house. Inside toys, outside toys, riding toys, chalk/bubbles, and craft supplies. SO MANY craft supplies...and they (up until we've put the house on the market) have lived in my dining area in Tupperware containers. About every other month I have a mini panic attack about how we own too many toys and start purging through everything. If I can see it all, it stresses me out.
9) I cant just pop into HomeGoods, Wegmans, HobbyLobby or a department store at the local mall....because the local mall isn't right down the street.
10) The kids desperately want a dog. I'm already an anomaly with having 3 kids in a row house, adding a pet I have to walk to the dog park on top of that seems impossible. The kids want a yard to run around with the dog. Chaz wants chickens. And I want to plop by booty in a chair with a glass of wine at the end of the day on my screenporch and watch my family play outside.
So...the house is on the market and we have an idea of the next move. But until then, we wait. And pray. But I don't plan to passively wait. I plan to JOYFULLY fill my time with my children, my husband, friends, and fun. Chaz works tirelessly so I can stay home with our children...so this next year I pray I can thrive in that role. I have thought through the past year and realized that I love sharing my life with others. It brings to me JOY to share with others, to find common struggles/excitement, and to know I'm not in this chapter alone. One of God's gifts to me is the desire to read and write and I pray I can use that (this blog and social media) as a platform to transparently share about Team Tillman. Chaz, Nora, Radford and Rowan are the light of my life and I'm so blessed to share this adventure with them. Here's to our next chapter...
